I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
