some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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