maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
