totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
