Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
