My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
