I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
