Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
