i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
