I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
