I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
