So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
