i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
