I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
