Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
