Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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