one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
