I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
