I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
