I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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