is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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