she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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