So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
