Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
