Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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