she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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