Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
