Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
