I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
