So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Randomize
