o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
