Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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