that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
