He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Small penises have feelings too.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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