I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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