dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
