My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
