i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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