Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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