we have pet lesbian snakes
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Randomize
