Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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