This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
