my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
