theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
