I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
