you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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