So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
