i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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