I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
