mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
